On Being Alone

As an extroverted person, I was never good at being alone.

Dari dulu, gue nggak pernah ngerti orang-orang yang hobi nonton film di bioskop sendirian. Makan sendirian. Jalan-jalan sendirian ke mall untuk me-time. Solo travel. To me, being alone is the saddest condition there is — and it baffles me how some people would voluntarily choose to be alone.

Waktu zaman kuliah, gue bener-bener nggak bisa diem. That is primarily the reason why I kept myself busy with tons of activities. And when I had some free time on my hands, I would find even more activities. Being alone (to me) was like a deadly virus, and I feel like I need to do lots of preventive actions to keep it from happening. Ajak temen gue ke Margo City. Makan Lele Salted Egg di Lele Lela. Nginep di apartemen temen. Beg for them to sleepover at my place. Simply put — I was that hyperactive, insufferable friend.

Then the real deadly virus hits. Enter: The Pandemic.

Of course, I was depressed. Semua rencana yang udah dibuat berantakan. Banyak perusahaan yang freeze hire. Dapet magang di perusahaan nggak jelas or any other shady startups aja nggak bisa. Banyak lomba-lomba yang dibatalkan, padahal waktu itu bener-bener tinggal terbang ke Jepang buat conference.

But then I realized, those cancelled plans are not the primary reason of my depression. The pandemic forced me to face my greatest fear, which is to be alone. To be satisfied with only myself as my only company.

Me, myself, and I, solo ride until I die — or at least until the pandemic ends (which none of us knows when, back then).

Fast forward two years later, gue mulai berhasil beradaptasi dengan gaya hidup di masa pandemi. Malah kayaknya agak keenakan. Gue bisa ngatur waktu dengan lebih fleksibel. More time to watch Netflix or read books. Eventually, I also discovered the beauty of zoom calls — offcam. Nggak usah bangun pagi-pagi untuk siap-siap, tinggal klik link, atau enter Meeting ID, terus tinggal kelas sambil rebahan. Ketemu temen, tinggal concall tanpa harus mikirin logistik, kayak: “Dimana titik temu paling oke kalau satu tinggal di Bogor dan satu lagi tinggal di Depok, sementara gue di Tangerang?”

Funny how something super depressing can turn out to be the greatest bliss there is. It’s like the pandemic gave us the full license to be lazy. Truly the definition of a blessing in disguise.

Sekarang, ketika keadaan mulai berangsur-angsur normal, semuanya justru berbalik. Dulunya nggak bisa sendirian, sekarang jadi agak mager ketemu orang. Drained kalau berhari-hari harus berinteraksi sosial. Capek kalau harus ke kantor setiap hari. Suddenly activities beyond work becomes too much. Meeting friends on two consecutive days becomes too much. Suddenly I find myself having to prepare mentally before going on a trip. Nggak bisa pergi dadakan, niatnya belum sempat terkumpul. I just wanna be in my bed, being myself, doing whatever.

I blamed it all on the pandemic. I felt like I used to be more interesting. I used to be this vibrant individual who thrives on a social setting. And now I feel like Wednesday Addams.

Tapi belakangan, gue baru nyadar, it’s not just the pandemic that happened.

Life happened.

Responsibilities happened.

Tiba-tiba, kita sampai dalam fase hidup yang agak (sangat) membingungkan. Pengen iPhone 14, but you’re too old untuk minta dibeliin, karena gengsi udah sarjana. But at the same time, you’re nowhere near being capable enough to buy it on your own. Suddenly you’re heavily considering to sell your kidneys. Suddenly the world is no longer your playground.

Instead, we are all just getting started to build our own lives. Kerja tiap hari. Mulai lagi dari 0. Going through that hellish journey dari Tangerang ke SCBD demi WFO. Doing job interviews to find “better opportunities” while you’re not really sure what is the definition of “better”, because you don’t know what the fuck is it you want! And this tough wake-up call — of life, of responsibilities — is very, very tiring.

Suddenly, coffee dates became too much.

Meeting friends became too much.

And let’s face it — sometimes it’s not because you literally don’t have time for a casual outing. You just don’t feel like it.

And then, you conveniently blame it on the pandemic. Waktu awal-awal: “Bahaya ah, kemarin gue abis kontak erat.” Atau, “Mager ah antigen cuma buat ketemu lo”. Sekarang ketika keadaan sudah berangsur normal: “Hehe, kayaknya gue udah kebiasaan di rumah deh jadi agak mager keluar-keluar. Next time yah!”

No, it’s not just the pandemic. It’s life and responsibilities, transforming us into this boring species called an “adult”. The pandemic simply exacerbates the transformation.

Sebenernya, tulisan ini nggak ada intinya (wkwk pasti kesel bacanya). I simply began this piece as an extroverted person trying to make sense of being alone, yet somehow I ended it as a typical Gen Z trying to make sense of the huge mess we call adulting. I guess, this piece has helped me make sense of both. And that — to me — is already a considerable growth worth celebrating.

So if you made it to the end, thanks for reading my gibberish :)